I ended up paying $90 for my speeding ticket and $25 to watch a movie and have the ticket removed from my record. I figure this is a good idea for the sake of insurance costs…. Anyway…
I was going to have band practice today but my drummer forgot and is now a long ways away. I hate when shit like this happens but whatever.
Somedays/mostdays/sometimes/mostimes it sucks that I can’t have Chelsea the way I’m used to but it’s reassuring to know that we will find ourselves that much more and get a taste of life outside of each other. I know I’ll grow and change quite a bit now that I’m single and I’m pretty sure Chelsea will too. It’s going to hurt like hell for (quite) a while but it should turn out okay. As long as I’m pretty in control of my fate then things shouldn’t turn out any way other than the way I want it to right?
my roomate/homie jake is cooking and it smells fucking divine. he’s a fucking badass and i’m stoked for him to make food lots.
In other news…. My doctor is a badass. I love talking to her even if it’s really personal shit i shouldn’t tell a 65 year old. Anyway…. she’s way cool and if/when I get into the medical field she is definitely a huuuuuuuuuuuuge role model. I talked to her about nursing today because shes a nurse practitioner and she said I could shadow her or sumthin to that effect. whose stoked? i’m stoked.
So when you’re in a relationship for 2 years 8 months and 4 days you learn very well what your significant other likes and adapt to it at all costs. One thing that has been overly mindfucking me after Chels breaking up with me is looking into these obscure habits I’ve built up because I knew they would make my girlfriend happy. They are all the little things that I’ve made sure to do to keep everything in balance in the relationship. Now that I’m no longer in a relationship I definitely don’t do them but I’m so fucking accustomed to them that I sometimes do them on sheer instinct which has potential to get very very very awkward. Recognizing these boyfriend habits is getting easier but they are still really weird and hard to stop. IDK. This shit’s weird and hard to adapt too. This is the first time I’ve really lived the single life and I don’t know what to do at all. In the past I’ve always been less driven and much more shy, so I haven’t branched out to new social areas, but in my new situation that’s where I need to thrive. I’m slowly getting there a bit by bit each and every day but I’m still a bit of an awkward depressed bipolar mess. Once I get used to this crazy lifestyle I’m sure I’ll love and appreciate it but for now I’ll probably just have a shitton of obscene and questionable posts that will probably get me in trouble with my best friend/ex girlfriend and immediate social peers that are cool enough for tumblr. meh life will play out eventually right?
colty, things will get better before they can get any worse...just know that people out there do care about you and are concerned. You live and you learn...You should learn from this and realize that you are going to be ok. You are the only person that can make YOU happy. you shouldn't rely on other people...WE CARE!
Yeah I’m fully aware that there are plenty of people out there that are plenty concerned. I’m definitely learning…. too much honestly. I’m fucking overloaded and shot. I’m used to making sure Chelsea is happy but now she’s not mine to make happy so I literally have to revamp everrryyything I do and it’s fucking weird. I’m super lost then I’m super found. Idk how to explain it haha everything’s different (not better or worse, just different).
I’m one depressed ass bitch, and I don’t really have much of a reason anymore. I need to get over what’s happened because dwelling on it will do me absolutely no good. Just about every way I’ve looked at Chelsea breaking up with me has either made me super bipolar or fucking depressed. Nothing good is coming from dwelling SO FUCKING STOP IT COLTY! haha I’ve talked to myself more in the past 3 weeks than I have in probably close to 3 years. I’m going crazy and I’m not sure if its good or bad quite yet.
Breaking up has made me realize some weird shit about Chelsea, myself, and our relationship. Loads of good and bad. I’ll think of the good and miss her,then feel like shit because its super over, then I’ll think about the bad and think I’ve fucked myself up/over and feel shitty about that too. God damn this is a weird mindset that I’ve been stuck in for all too long.
I need to meet people. Fuck restrictions, fuck shyness, fuck being a little bitch. I’m a pretty decent guy and need to make friends, talk to people, and have a good time. Right now I’m going nowhere and that has got to change. If I don’t fix/change my life I’m going to get fucked up in the process and call it quits. Ughhhh.
So a small part of me wants to start building up to see if I can turn into an ultra meatbag. I fucking hate working out and don’t really want to be a meatbag but it kinda seems like something new to do. Something uncomfortable, healthy, and new.
Every time I listen to popular music I hate it more and more. It stress’s me out and makes me feel shittier than even my least favorite genres of metal. My brain’s in backwards. I’m thinking it has to do with how heavily I associated that music with Chelsea. I really don’t know what to think about her anymore…. sorry Chels. Music that used to strike me as very provocative is really just infuriating. I don’t know if this is more of me just associating it with Chelsea or if it’s just my obscene sexual frustration and loss. IDK shit’s getting weird, I should probably stop posting or change subjects.
I’m stoked for Blake to be married. His reception was really nice and I was stoked to see him. He’s a good guy with loads to look forward to in life. I kinda wish I knew Emily, his wife, better so I could know who he’s marrying haha.
well let’s finish this absurd post off with my lyrics of the day….
Fuck this world for all its worth, every inch of planet earth.
You will never fuck again.
The doctors won’t be able to recognize your fucking face.
I’m going to a wedding with Chelsea and a couple other friends. I’m pretty excited for him to get married though I don’t exactly agree with him timing and principles. I hope I don’t fall apart today…. that would really suck and It just might happen…. IDK well see. I’m also reloading my happy pills clip and getting my battle vehicle inspected. I hope it passes so I don’t have to buy new shit…. I’m already way too sick of putting time/money/effort into a shitty car.
Looooooads of hate this morning for everything. I really outdid myself. Sometimes I surprise myself with the level of hate I can have for myself and those around me. Anyway… Most of the time I chill out after talking to some people about it, which I did at work today, and it helped. I really like talking to my co-workers. They are all so great. I ran into my homie Nick and stole some music from him, which I feel bad about…., but I really cant deny a shitton of free awesome music. Damn. I really hate being that guy.
I checked into taking a CNA class and it might end up being ~$600 after books. Fucking shit. I also might have to renew my CPR training to be able to take the class, which would blow. I really wanna take this class and see if mursing is a field I really wanna get into, but I really think I’ll love it (other than wiping old peoples down).
The initial payment on the house I want to move into Is going to be about 1400… I really don’t want to pay that shit, even though the way its split I’ll proly only pay about 400 but still…. That’s lots of money. I’m stoked to move out with Bryant and Jake, but the other Jake might get kinda sketch because I really don’t know him that well and I’ve heard he would be a terrible person to live with, but the origional jake really isn’t that good at saying no. Oh well…. We can kick him out if he’s really that bad.
I hope my bass amp sells. I’m sick of that shit not being sold. It’s too damn big of a cab and I really don’t like the tone all that much. I do feel pretty cool using the same bass cab as countless pro’s but its really too much…. I wouldn’t even mind store credit at this point….. ugh.
today was the most depressed and angry I’ve been in a very very very long time. It’s definitely not a good time to try and ween off of my happy pills. Some highlights of my day were listening to metal and talking about it with nick, hanging out with benton, talking about my current social situation with bryant, and spending time talking to emily, teresa, hellen and Kylie at my overly long lunch. fuck depression, fuck my thoughts, fuck my feelings, fuck my future, fuck my past, fuck it all man. Fucking fuck. I should really be in bed… It is fucking late and I have work tommorow.
I’ve got blog of my own that I really don’t use, and really should. I figure now’s just as good of a time as ever to go off and random thoughts/feelings/emotions/tangents. so…… here I go.
Work: Today I took waaaaaay too long of a break. I feel bad about it and know its wrong but my boss is sooooo nice and I really do work my ass off, especially compared to some other employees. Oh and I really like talking to people I don’t talk to enough so that might kind of somewhat justify it I suppose….
Living in my Dad’s apartment/moving out: I really like this because it’s like being moved out but I don’t have to pay rent. Jake is living with me so I get fucking sweet food. Today I got german pancakes, the other day I got crepes, pasta, fucking everything. He’s a baddass and I’m stoked to move out with that homie.
Music: I’m really stoked on Benton my guitarist/singer being back. I’m slowly but surely getting back into my bass groove and it feels great. I’m gunna sell shit and buy new shit and it will be great. I love getting new music gear. Were gunna play shows within a month and it’s going to kick ass. I’m so fucking stoked.
Chelsea: Shit man I dont know where to start…. Last night I had a terrible dream about chels. The dream that kinda reminded me alot of the first few days after che dumped me. It really blew. I woke up super lonely, sweaty, hot, angry, sad, and scared. Fuck that shit. I hate bad dreams. Somedays I miss my girl soooo much. I’m pretty well over it or at least good at pretending, but everything everywhere reminds me of us being together. It’s weird…. I’m in this kinda weird constant nostalgia. Everything reminds me of how we would be but the fact is that we aren’t together, and its totally fine that way. I need to figure out how to live on my own and be my own person. I need to learn to date and meet other people. If things are meant to be then they will probably turn out that way. Ugh this is just so weird to talk about…. I can’t decide if I like talking about how I feel about this situation or just letting it ferment in my brain. Both options just feel weird…. IDK I’ll figure it out someday. Changing my view of Chelsea from girlfriend to best friend is definitely one of the hardest things I have ever done…. I’m really falling apart over it. I’m super used to being her man and her being my girl but that is obviously changed. I can be her best friend for an hour or 2 at a time then I start feeling boyfriend/girlfriendy again and I know that its not like that so I kinda just shut myself down. Bah my bitchass is fucking lost. I’ll figure this situation out soon and be that much less depressed. fuck. idk.
If I talk about magic too much I’ll get back into it and spend all my money to get owned by 12 years whose moms buy them 13453533 packs a day, but that shit was the most solid card game. Maybe in the winter when I’m out of shit to do I’ll throw down….