Colty

I ended up paying $90 for my speeding ticket and $25 to watch a movie and have the ticket removed from my record.  I figure this is a good idea for the sake of insurance costs….  Anyway…

I was going to have band practice today but my drummer forgot and is now a long ways away.  I hate when shit like this happens but whatever.

Somedays/mostdays/sometimes/mostimes it sucks that I can’t have Chelsea the way I’m used to but it’s reassuring to know that we will find ourselves that much more and get a taste of life outside of each other.  I know I’ll grow and change quite a bit now that I’m single and I’m pretty sure Chelsea will too.  It’s going to hurt like hell for (quite) a while but it should turn out okay.  As long as I’m pretty in control of my fate then things shouldn’t turn out any way other than the way I want it to right?

I’m gunna go skate/netflix/bass. Later gang.

When I’m not the most boring person I know then I’m the most lonely person I know.  When I’m not the most lonely person I know, I’m the most depressed person I know.

Fuck everything.

P.S. Even though I’ve had nothing but shitty emotional posts lately, I do have awesome friends and some good times.  Thanks guys.

I love when people get cocky, especially when they have money.

Anyway… I’m starting a new series called Psych.  It’s kinda goofy but its pretty solid.  Well…. I dont have much to say. cya later tumblr.

I just got a speeding ticket.  I wasn’t paying attention to my speedometer and was apparently going 10 over.  Should I fight it or just pay up?

my roomate/homie jake is cooking and it smells fucking divine. he’s a fucking badass and i’m stoked for him to make food lots.

In other news…. My doctor is a badass.  I love talking to her even if it’s really personal shit i shouldn’t tell a 65 year old.  Anyway…. she’s way cool and if/when I get into the medical field she is definitely a huuuuuuuuuuuuge role model.  I talked to her about nursing today because shes a nurse practitioner and she said I could shadow her or sumthin to that effect.  whose stoked? i’m stoked.

What the fuck am I doing up this late?

gnite.

So when you’re in a relationship for 2 years 8 months and 4 days you learn very well what your significant other likes and adapt to it at all costs.  One thing that has been overly mindfucking me after Chels breaking up with me is looking into these obscure habits I’ve built up because I knew they would make my girlfriend happy.  They are all the little things that I’ve made sure to do to keep everything in balance in the relationship.  Now that I’m no longer in a relationship I definitely don’t do them but I’m so fucking accustomed to them that I sometimes do them on sheer instinct which has potential to get very very very awkward.  Recognizing these boyfriend habits is getting easier but they are still really weird and hard to stop.  IDK.  This shit’s weird and hard to adapt too.  This is the first time I’ve really lived the single life and I don’t know what to do at all.  In the past I’ve always been less driven and much more shy, so I haven’t branched out to new social areas, but in my new situation that’s where I need to thrive.  I’m slowly getting there a bit by bit each and every day but I’m still a bit of an awkward depressed bipolar mess.  Once I get used to this crazy lifestyle I’m sure I’ll love and appreciate it but for now I’ll probably just have a shitton of obscene and questionable posts that will probably get me in trouble with my best friend/ex girlfriend and immediate social peers that are cool enough for tumblr.  meh life will play out eventually right?

I’m one depressed ass bitch, and I don’t really have much of a reason anymore.  I need to get over what’s happened because dwelling on it will do me absolutely no good.  Just about every way I’ve looked at Chelsea breaking up with me has either made me super bipolar or fucking depressed.  Nothing good is coming from dwelling SO FUCKING STOP IT COLTY! haha I’ve talked to myself more in the past 3 weeks than I have in probably close to 3 years.  I’m going crazy and I’m not sure if its good or bad quite yet.  

Breaking up has made me realize some weird shit about Chelsea, myself, and our relationship.  Loads of good and bad.  I’ll think of the good and miss her,then feel like shit because its super over, then I’ll think about the bad and think I’ve fucked myself up/over and feel shitty about that too.  God damn this is a weird mindset that I’ve been stuck in for all too long.  

I need to meet people.  Fuck restrictions, fuck shyness, fuck being a little bitch.  I’m a pretty decent guy and need to make friends, talk to people, and have a good time.  Right now I’m going nowhere and that has got to change.  If I don’t fix/change my life I’m going to get fucked up in the process and call it quits.  Ughhhh.

So a small part of me wants to start building up to see if I can turn into an ultra meatbag.  I fucking hate working out and don’t really want to be a meatbag but it kinda seems like something new to do.  Something uncomfortable, healthy, and new.  

Every time I listen to popular music I hate it more and more.  It stress’s me out and makes me feel shittier than even my least favorite genres of metal.  My brain’s in backwards.  I’m thinking it has to do with how heavily I associated that music with Chelsea.  I really don’t know what to think about her anymore…. sorry Chels.  Music that used to strike me as very provocative is really just infuriating.  I don’t know if this is more of me just associating it with Chelsea or if it’s just my obscene sexual frustration and loss.  IDK shit’s getting weird, I should probably stop posting or change subjects.

I’m stoked for Blake to be married.  His reception was really nice and I was stoked to see him.  He’s a good guy with loads to look forward to in life.  I kinda wish I knew Emily, his wife, better so I could know who he’s marrying haha.

well let’s finish this absurd post off with my lyrics of the day….

Fuck this world for all its worth, every inch of planet earth.

You will never fuck again.

The doctors won’t be able to recognize your fucking face.

Shes gone.

I’m going to a wedding with Chelsea and a couple other friends.  I’m pretty excited for him to get married though I don’t exactly agree with him timing and principles.  I hope I don’t fall apart today…. that would really suck and It just might happen…. IDK well see.  I’m also reloading my happy pills clip and getting my battle vehicle inspected.  I hope it passes so I don’t have to buy new shit…. I’m already way too sick of putting time/money/effort into a shitty car.

Looooooads of hate this morning for everything.  I really outdid myself.  Sometimes I surprise myself with the level of hate I can have for myself and those around me.  Anyway… Most of the time I chill out after talking to some people about it, which I did at work today, and it helped.  I really like talking to my co-workers.  They are all so great.  I ran into my homie Nick and stole some music from him, which I feel bad about…., but I really cant deny a shitton of free awesome music.  Damn.  I really hate being that guy.

I checked into taking a CNA class and it might end up being ~$600 after books.  Fucking shit.  I also might have to renew my CPR training to be able to take the class, which would blow.  I really wanna take this class and see if mursing is a field I really wanna get into, but I really think I’ll love it (other than wiping old peoples down).

The initial payment on the house I want to move into Is going to be about 1400… I really don’t want to pay that shit, even though the way its split I’ll proly only pay about 400 but still…. That’s lots of money.  I’m stoked to move out with Bryant and Jake, but the other Jake might get kinda sketch because I really don’t know him that well and I’ve heard he would be a terrible person to live with, but the origional jake really isn’t that good at saying no.  Oh well…. We can kick him out if he’s really that bad.

I hope my bass amp sells.  I’m sick of that shit not being sold.  It’s too damn big of a cab and I really don’t like the tone all that much.  I do feel pretty cool using the same bass cab as countless pro’s but its really too much…. I wouldn’t even mind store credit at this point….. ugh.

wellbai